My mother is coming home today. As I write this, she is en route to LaGuardia with an extra suitcase packed with the stuff she's bought (books, mainly). She's been to museums and last night to Lincoln Centre, she's eaten many tasty things, and walked and walked and walked. She'll be home tonight around 5:30pm, no doubt exhausted from the trip, and I'm looking forward to it. I've missed her. I did get over the initial loneliness and have filled my time quite fruitfully, what with school, Rick, and more school stuff. Even Chester, who pined for my mother after she left, got over it. In fact, last night, he even slept with me. Of his own volition ! Needless to say, I was bloody hot. My bed is for one person, so being filled with that plus three cats all tightly pressed against me... You can imagine how uncomfortable I was, although certainly not lonely.
Installation week is going far better than we thought it would, although there have been some really extraordinary fuck-ups with the dry-mount press. Somehow the temperature knob got knocked out of whack and everything has been cooking/melting/bubbling. The temperature was reset accordingly, but still, one expensive professionally printed photograph continues to give trouble. It's very frustrating. Sabina Bartlebee (my sexy new printer) has already paid for herself with the number of prints she's done for the exhibit, and thanks to the latest problem, I'll have to call her into action again, later. I was supposed to be doing it now, but I left the disc with the images on it back at school. Yes, I'm a forgetful dork.
Yesterday, I was challenged to creating a stuffed mount for a Native ribbon shirt. We have these silhouette manequins onto which we can place clothing, but because they're essentially flat, they have to be padded. So, I turned my very unattractive Coca Cola shirt (that had been accidentally dyed pink by some red underwear - it's always the red underwear) into a body for "Sven". I had to build in shoulders, chest and a back in order to support the shirt. Some of you know that I am a poor excuse for a seamstress, but I took to the task with alacrity, tested my skills, and rose to the challenge. Pretty, it isn't, but when the ribbon shirt is mounted, it actually looks like there are shoulder muscles and pectoral muscles, which is what I was hoping for. Now, if only Sven could have some pants, it would be perfect.
I've been taking photos through out the installation process and I've become something of an irritant. Today, Sally said, "You're like one of those nosey gossip column reporters from the 40s." It's true, only, I wouldn't have been a gossip columnist, I'd have been one of the real press corps, in a fedora, with a "press" tag in its ribbon. So there.
Anyway, I must go back to school with my red selaphane and black electrical tape. Also, I must remember to get Mom's pliers back from Meghan.
Friday, March 18, 2005
Today is my anniversary with Rick. Five years. FIVE YEARS. Holy crap. And to think, it was only supposed to be sex... Well, I guess at this point I'm supposed to muse on our longevity. I don't often talk about this, at least, not publicly, but after five years, I suppose I can share my wisdom. I've learned some things along the way.
Firstly, it is important to recognise that even when you don't feel you can give a person what they need, be it love, attention, food, sex, whatever, and the guilt eats at you, makes you want to give up and throw the whole thing away, have patience. Some of my friends, and I'm sure, Rick, too, know that for a long time, I felt that I couldn't give Rick what he deserved. He fell for me hard, and quickly, and I felt like I was always playing a game of catch-up and no matter what, I lagged behind. It was frustrating for me, and probably unfair to Rick, and I thought about ending things because of it. But, all the time, I kept reminding myself that there had been relationships in my past where I had been the giver and the other had used me up and then backed out when it looked like they were supposed to reciprocate. So, I hung on, not wanting to be like those people.
Secondly, and this is related to the first point, if they're good to you, respect you, and keep you warm and safe, that's already 70% of what you need to sustain the relationship. Sure, you have to do the same for them, and here, I think I failed quite regularly through our first couple of years, but... Rick had patience. Stubborness? That too. And, he was right. If they're all those good things, and you can't figure out what the problem is, barring sexual disappointment, maybe you owe it to yourself to take some time to figure things out. I put this into practice at a point when I honestly believed I would not survive Rick's constant adoration and my own incapacity to reciprocate. Some of this was chemical imbalance, some of this was situational, some of this was external distractions that sapped my ability to commit. It took four months to reflect on what I had and why that made me a really, really lucky woman.
Thirdly, allow room for growth. Over time, people change. Sometimes they change for the worse, but I believe most people change for the better. In the beginning, Rick was really hard to like. He was an asshole in restaurants and his impatience and intensity made me cringe. Smoking was also a major turn-off. He treated a few of my friends to his least likeable qualities and that made them question why a sensible girl like me would be with such a pig. I knew he wasn't always a pig, but he definitely rubbed people the wrong way. Abrasive, is the word. Something kept me holding on, though, and it wasn't just the sex. It was the realisation that Rick was mellowing, was moulding himself into something more palatable... someone... nicer. Those four months apart forced me to see just how much he had changed. And that I'd changed. Because growth happens to you, too, though often we can't see it, because we think we're the way we've always been. Also, don't believe that if there wasn't passion in the beginning there will never be passion later on. Passion can come later. It can grow just like any other facet of a relationship. It does not have to be there at the beginning. In fact, it might even be better to grow into it, because you can say to yourself, "Wow, things just keep getting better !" which is way cooler than saying, "Remember how it was?"
There are probably a hundred other things I could offer as advice, but I think these are the three most important for me and Rick. Five years ago, after spending the night together, I said to myself while we waited for the streetcar that would take me to work and away from him, "If he kisses me goodbye and thanks me, I'll invite him back." He waited until the last possible second, but he did, and I invited him back. I've been inviting him back for five years now.
And I love him. I LOVE RICK.
In other news, unrelated to our anniversary, I've got the house to myself this week. My mother is in New York City visiting friends. She flew down on Wednesday and will come back the same day next week. She was nervous, because she hadn't really travelled, especially not alone, like this since her stroke. But, now that she's there, I bet she's having a wonderful time. I sent her a tiny list of things I'd like her to bring back for me, including new bras from Victoria's Secret, and more Sesame Street panties. I love 'em ! So, anyway, she's supposed to be visiting old friends and stuff, but I don't know if she will - she may end up not giving herself enough time. I know how that can be.
Anyway, I'm alone here, with the cats, which really means I'm not alone at all because at any given time, one of them might be sitting on me/next to me, staring at me, yelling at me, or getting underfoot. Pilling Melody is going better than I thought it would, but I have to say, no wonder she doesn't like Mom as much as she used to - being pilled three times a day is brutal. It's also a bit of a trick to remember which ones she's had already, but I'm getting the system down. Chester is lonely. Last night, he sat up on Mom's bed waiting for her. It was sad. I'm just not 'the mama'. He has been outside a fair bit, though, as has Willi, because there is much cat activity and many bushes needing to be sprayed. It means there is less litterbox activity, which is nice for me.
Which, somewhat relatedly, reminds me that I have to feed the fish before I go back to school.
Firstly, it is important to recognise that even when you don't feel you can give a person what they need, be it love, attention, food, sex, whatever, and the guilt eats at you, makes you want to give up and throw the whole thing away, have patience. Some of my friends, and I'm sure, Rick, too, know that for a long time, I felt that I couldn't give Rick what he deserved. He fell for me hard, and quickly, and I felt like I was always playing a game of catch-up and no matter what, I lagged behind. It was frustrating for me, and probably unfair to Rick, and I thought about ending things because of it. But, all the time, I kept reminding myself that there had been relationships in my past where I had been the giver and the other had used me up and then backed out when it looked like they were supposed to reciprocate. So, I hung on, not wanting to be like those people.
Secondly, and this is related to the first point, if they're good to you, respect you, and keep you warm and safe, that's already 70% of what you need to sustain the relationship. Sure, you have to do the same for them, and here, I think I failed quite regularly through our first couple of years, but... Rick had patience. Stubborness? That too. And, he was right. If they're all those good things, and you can't figure out what the problem is, barring sexual disappointment, maybe you owe it to yourself to take some time to figure things out. I put this into practice at a point when I honestly believed I would not survive Rick's constant adoration and my own incapacity to reciprocate. Some of this was chemical imbalance, some of this was situational, some of this was external distractions that sapped my ability to commit. It took four months to reflect on what I had and why that made me a really, really lucky woman.
Thirdly, allow room for growth. Over time, people change. Sometimes they change for the worse, but I believe most people change for the better. In the beginning, Rick was really hard to like. He was an asshole in restaurants and his impatience and intensity made me cringe. Smoking was also a major turn-off. He treated a few of my friends to his least likeable qualities and that made them question why a sensible girl like me would be with such a pig. I knew he wasn't always a pig, but he definitely rubbed people the wrong way. Abrasive, is the word. Something kept me holding on, though, and it wasn't just the sex. It was the realisation that Rick was mellowing, was moulding himself into something more palatable... someone... nicer. Those four months apart forced me to see just how much he had changed. And that I'd changed. Because growth happens to you, too, though often we can't see it, because we think we're the way we've always been. Also, don't believe that if there wasn't passion in the beginning there will never be passion later on. Passion can come later. It can grow just like any other facet of a relationship. It does not have to be there at the beginning. In fact, it might even be better to grow into it, because you can say to yourself, "Wow, things just keep getting better !" which is way cooler than saying, "Remember how it was?"
There are probably a hundred other things I could offer as advice, but I think these are the three most important for me and Rick. Five years ago, after spending the night together, I said to myself while we waited for the streetcar that would take me to work and away from him, "If he kisses me goodbye and thanks me, I'll invite him back." He waited until the last possible second, but he did, and I invited him back. I've been inviting him back for five years now.
And I love him. I LOVE RICK.
In other news, unrelated to our anniversary, I've got the house to myself this week. My mother is in New York City visiting friends. She flew down on Wednesday and will come back the same day next week. She was nervous, because she hadn't really travelled, especially not alone, like this since her stroke. But, now that she's there, I bet she's having a wonderful time. I sent her a tiny list of things I'd like her to bring back for me, including new bras from Victoria's Secret, and more Sesame Street panties. I love 'em ! So, anyway, she's supposed to be visiting old friends and stuff, but I don't know if she will - she may end up not giving herself enough time. I know how that can be.
Anyway, I'm alone here, with the cats, which really means I'm not alone at all because at any given time, one of them might be sitting on me/next to me, staring at me, yelling at me, or getting underfoot. Pilling Melody is going better than I thought it would, but I have to say, no wonder she doesn't like Mom as much as she used to - being pilled three times a day is brutal. It's also a bit of a trick to remember which ones she's had already, but I'm getting the system down. Chester is lonely. Last night, he sat up on Mom's bed waiting for her. It was sad. I'm just not 'the mama'. He has been outside a fair bit, though, as has Willi, because there is much cat activity and many bushes needing to be sprayed. It means there is less litterbox activity, which is nice for me.
Which, somewhat relatedly, reminds me that I have to feed the fish before I go back to school.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Today is a happy day. Why? Well, not because of school, which was kind of dim, or because of being utterly exhausted after less than four hours of sleep. Not because of the nap I had in the late afternoon, nor because of my French class.
Today is happy because it is my MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY ! It is also my friend Megan's birthday ! And it is Al and Carrie's SECOND wedding anniversary !!
Hooray !
Tomorrow will be a strange day. Why? Because my mother will be flying to New York and won't be coming home until the following Wednesday. I'm not sure I can cope with being all by my lonesome for so long... I've become a child again, what with all this living with Mom, business. ;)
I'll be at home, looking after three cats, one of whom is quite elderly and requires medication thrice daily, so I won't be in Toronto this weekend (yay !). Also, it's coming up on five years with Rick. Oh my goodness ! So, he'll be coming out here on Friday night. Whee !
Today is happy because it is my MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY ! It is also my friend Megan's birthday ! And it is Al and Carrie's SECOND wedding anniversary !!
Hooray !
Tomorrow will be a strange day. Why? Because my mother will be flying to New York and won't be coming home until the following Wednesday. I'm not sure I can cope with being all by my lonesome for so long... I've become a child again, what with all this living with Mom, business. ;)
I'll be at home, looking after three cats, one of whom is quite elderly and requires medication thrice daily, so I won't be in Toronto this weekend (yay !). Also, it's coming up on five years with Rick. Oh my goodness ! So, he'll be coming out here on Friday night. Whee !
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Oh man. I didn't write about the gala? Yikes. It seems like forever ago, now, too. It was a far greater success than I imagined it would be, and I didn't think it would suck. In fact, it was a rollicking fun time and I enjoyed working the event. My programme and little wine glass tags looked really professional and I was quite proud when my mother thanked me from the podium. Once, I would have been horribly embarrassed to be acknowledged by my mother publicly, but I'm not twelve anymore, and it makes a big difference. I was very proud to be her daughter, too; she the president of a more than adequate community symphony. Not only that, but I was lucky enough to enjoy the event for what it was and posed for a pair of photographs at the photo booth, bid on a couple of items in the silent auction, and sat for my caricature. The caricaturist was really funny, and is the creator and force behind The Super Popular Show. Neat. I was given a standing invitation to visit the animation studios, so I think I might. Maybe this week, when the next assignment is in.
Speaking of assigments, this past week was GRUELLING. There were all the official assignments, and then there were a number of seemingly small, but surprisingly involved, extra projects I took up for the cause of my group's exhibition. I designed a logo that I am RIDICULOUSLY proud of. You can see it in my gallery at DeviantArt. Yes. I created it from scratch.
In other news... after a long day of work, Rick, who'd picked me up and the ROM, and I went to Sneaky Dee's for dinner. I was needing nachos and he needed some wings. We walked from the museum to the bar because I wanted the exercise and it wasn't too cold today. Our route took us through the UofT campus, which I've always enjoyed walking through (albeit, moreso since having graduation - I think it's the obligation, thing), and I saw three sure signs of spring. The fist was a robin hopping about the lawn of Trinity College. The second, and ultimately the MOST satisfying, sign was the appearance of a plethora of tiny crimson-tipped pale green/yellow shoots just errupting the soil's surface just a few buildings further along Harbord. The third was a guy in shorts. Seriously. I think he was a little over optimistic, but spring can't be far away now. Nevermind the five centimetres of snow that fell in less than an hour...
Also, we saw Phil the Alien tonight, which was possibly the silliest movie I've seen in a very, very long time, and certainly the silliest Canadian movie I've ever seen, and I enjoyed almost every second of it. I laughed my ass off, one might even say. Go, see it ! It's Canadian, so it won't last longer than two weeks.
Speaking of assigments, this past week was GRUELLING. There were all the official assignments, and then there were a number of seemingly small, but surprisingly involved, extra projects I took up for the cause of my group's exhibition. I designed a logo that I am RIDICULOUSLY proud of. You can see it in my gallery at DeviantArt. Yes. I created it from scratch.
In other news... after a long day of work, Rick, who'd picked me up and the ROM, and I went to Sneaky Dee's for dinner. I was needing nachos and he needed some wings. We walked from the museum to the bar because I wanted the exercise and it wasn't too cold today. Our route took us through the UofT campus, which I've always enjoyed walking through (albeit, moreso since having graduation - I think it's the obligation, thing), and I saw three sure signs of spring. The fist was a robin hopping about the lawn of Trinity College. The second, and ultimately the MOST satisfying, sign was the appearance of a plethora of tiny crimson-tipped pale green/yellow shoots just errupting the soil's surface just a few buildings further along Harbord. The third was a guy in shorts. Seriously. I think he was a little over optimistic, but spring can't be far away now. Nevermind the five centimetres of snow that fell in less than an hour...
Also, we saw Phil the Alien tonight, which was possibly the silliest movie I've seen in a very, very long time, and certainly the silliest Canadian movie I've ever seen, and I enjoyed almost every second of it. I laughed my ass off, one might even say. Go, see it ! It's Canadian, so it won't last longer than two weeks.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Tomorrow is the Peterborough Symphony Orchestra Gala and it cannot come soon enough. I really do get off on deadlines for graphic design work, as my mother has now observed, to the detriment of just about everything else. I had so many plans for this Reading Week. There was going to be stair painting here at home, and finishing the painting at Rick's. I was going to do a shit lode of school work... It seems that is not going to be quite the case. I'll do a minutia of school work and hope my classmates forgive me. I've just been so damn busy. And I've had three migraine headaches in it all.
Yes, it's true, the migraines are on the increase since going off the injection in September. This is a disappointment for me as I had really hoped they wouldn't return. I will have to make an appointment with some clinic doctor so I can get a fresh referral to see my specialist. It makes me crazy that I have to go through the whole referral business again because it's been over two years since I last saw him. God, that is so dumb. Anyway, as the Advil Migraine slowly loses its potency, I can't really see any other choice if I'm to get a prescription for Maxalt again.
Despite all the pain and deadlines, I managed to make time for me. Just a little bit of time, but enough to update the contents of my Cafepress store. I've introduced the ever popular Wumpus Bees into the line-up and there's a bunch of new stuff. Go check it out, now. Now ! And buy things !
That is all.
Yes, it's true, the migraines are on the increase since going off the injection in September. This is a disappointment for me as I had really hoped they wouldn't return. I will have to make an appointment with some clinic doctor so I can get a fresh referral to see my specialist. It makes me crazy that I have to go through the whole referral business again because it's been over two years since I last saw him. God, that is so dumb. Anyway, as the Advil Migraine slowly loses its potency, I can't really see any other choice if I'm to get a prescription for Maxalt again.
Despite all the pain and deadlines, I managed to make time for me. Just a little bit of time, but enough to update the contents of my Cafepress store. I've introduced the ever popular Wumpus Bees into the line-up and there's a bunch of new stuff. Go check it out, now. Now ! And buy things !
That is all.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
March seems to have come in as a lion, roaring majestically, reminding us all that this is still winter, even if there have been a few robin sightings. It's really beautiful outside, I must say. Unfortunately, what with the up-and-down of the air pressure, I have developed a migraine. No surprise, there, but nonetheless, irritating. It's still snowing out, and I'm hoping that by tomorrow, I'll finally get out my skis and have a little jaunt. I'll do it in the evening, when no one is out, though, because, well, firstly, I love snowy nights, and secondly, there won't be anyone to see me as I embarrass myself. I haven't been cross-country skiing since highschool, I think.
Saturday is the Peterborough Symphony Orchestra's Swing into Spring gala, an event that has been plagued by unfortunate events. Hopefully, the gala itself will go very smoothly and raise the PSO some needed money and will be the first in a long future of gala evenings. It is a wine and food pairing event, with music by a pair of ensembles (out of the PSO) and the popular local band, Felix and the Swing Cats. Nicole of Nocturnalia and her beau, Dan, will be coming out for the event. She will be a featured guest offering palm readings. Rick will also be out for the event, but I'm going to be pretty busy being all mingly with the guests. I had hoped that Al and Carrie would come, but I guess they're not planning on it, since I haven't heard anything. I didn't bother to invite Chris and Tanya, even though they might have come, since they're so darn social that if you don't book them a month in advance, at least, you can pretty much forget it.
Speaking of Tanya, my bridesmaid gown is ordered and now it's time to wait. Why it should take twelve weeks for a gown to come in I have no clue. If I can have something custom made from scratch in six, why does a prefabricated gown take twice as long? And then, of course, it will have to be altered. The bridal business is quite the racket, you know. The more experience I get in people's bridal parties, the more I realise that whatever I have, my wedding will be non-traditional - and I don't just mean my gown colour. Yeesh.
And now for something completely different: take the commonly confused words test ! I scored 100% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 66% Expert! With 100% better than everyone in my age group. I'm not sure how accurate the percentage for my age group is, but I don't doubt I scored higher than most.
Because I'm just like that.
Saturday is the Peterborough Symphony Orchestra's Swing into Spring gala, an event that has been plagued by unfortunate events. Hopefully, the gala itself will go very smoothly and raise the PSO some needed money and will be the first in a long future of gala evenings. It is a wine and food pairing event, with music by a pair of ensembles (out of the PSO) and the popular local band, Felix and the Swing Cats. Nicole of Nocturnalia and her beau, Dan, will be coming out for the event. She will be a featured guest offering palm readings. Rick will also be out for the event, but I'm going to be pretty busy being all mingly with the guests. I had hoped that Al and Carrie would come, but I guess they're not planning on it, since I haven't heard anything. I didn't bother to invite Chris and Tanya, even though they might have come, since they're so darn social that if you don't book them a month in advance, at least, you can pretty much forget it.
Speaking of Tanya, my bridesmaid gown is ordered and now it's time to wait. Why it should take twelve weeks for a gown to come in I have no clue. If I can have something custom made from scratch in six, why does a prefabricated gown take twice as long? And then, of course, it will have to be altered. The bridal business is quite the racket, you know. The more experience I get in people's bridal parties, the more I realise that whatever I have, my wedding will be non-traditional - and I don't just mean my gown colour. Yeesh.
And now for something completely different: take the commonly confused words test ! I scored 100% Beginner, 93% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 66% Expert! With 100% better than everyone in my age group. I'm not sure how accurate the percentage for my age group is, but I don't doubt I scored higher than most.
Because I'm just like that.