Faith

I am writing this post as a personal response to an article in the LA Times, written by the paper's former religion columnist. It's a very moving piece of writing about a spiritual journey that took him in a direction he'd never expected: the loss of faith.

I have faith. In some ways it is deeply at odds with the rest of me, my doubt and skepticism, more than anything. I used to call it spirituality, what I possess, but let's be honest. It's faith. What I do not have, nor do I want, is religion. I consider myself, if pressed, a Judeo-Christian-Paganist. Haha. My little joke. I'm culturally closer to my Ashkenazim roots than anything else, but I'm no practicing Jew. I try to observe the High Holidays, not because I think it's my duty, but because I like to feel closer to my cultural roots. I don't beat myself up if I miss one. I also really enjoy Christmas. Not because it's the birth of Jesus, but because it's a beautiful and ancient holiday borrowed from several pagan traditions that predate any idea of "religion" common to the Western world. Even current polytheist religions don't quite compare.

My faith isn't tested by my belief in science, far from it, in fact. No, I look at the awesomeness of the universe, from the Big Bang to evolution to plate tectonics as facets of an incredible creation. Not Creation, as in the Bible, but I believe that something started it all off and put the ball in motion. Like I said, it's not spirituality, but faith. I choose to believe this.

Sometimes, I forget that I believe in the existence of something bigger than all of this. 'God' is a funny word. It doesn't seem quite right to me, mainly because I can't help envisioning a bearded white guy in the sky. I do not believe in that god. I don't want to say 'force' because this isn't Star Wars, but I prefer to think of 'God' as a something, intangible and invisible, but able to take the forms that people need in order to feel connected. Today, God is this rock. Tomorrow, perhaps God is you.

When I plead with 'God', I look up. This is not because I believe it is up above, but because, I think, by craning our necks backward, we are making ourselves vulnerable and in pleading to 'God', we are undoubtedly feeling vulnerable. I thought about this the other day as I wept in the shower. I felt, at that moment, as though my whole world had fallen in on me, Gareth had told me he needed a break. My plea was not to make him change his mind, but to give me strength to bear it, to be okay, because I believe that things happen for a reason, even though we rarely can see the why of it at the time it's happening.

No, I don't believe that 'God' actively intercedes in our lives, not really. I think it's more that 'God' has an unlimited energy or strength that when we are in need, and open to it, we can share. Does that sound strange? I am okay, and whatever the outcome is, I have to trust that it will work out. That's faith, not spirituality. But it's not religion. I do not need people to interpret for 'God'. People just screw it up. People get in the way. People have ulterior motives.

Among my friends I have counted Jews, Christians of many sects and stripes, Wiccans and Pagans, Hindus, Baha'i, Muslims, Buddhists, Atheists and agnostics. These people have been of various colours, creeds and sexual orientations. I tell none of them that by believing what they believe they are wrong, because they're not. I find no issue if they associate themselves with a particular religion or are lapsed, for our actions speak clearly about us as human beings, and there have been some awful people who did what they did under the mantle of religion.

When I was a teenager, I thought I would make it official. I had plans to study my Torah and have my bat mitzvah once I'd turned 18. I'd chosen not to when I was a child because I did not feel, coming from a multi-faith home, that I was ready to make such an important decision. Smart kid. Through my teens, I successively lost five relatives over the course of three years, not all close, but starting with my beloved Nana, and ending with my father. That final loss, when I was 18, threw my religious plans in a tailspin. I lost my faith, or so I believed. I was angry.

I hadn't lost it, it turned out, I simply put it somewhere safe and then forgot where I'd hidden it. It was two years later, maybe three, when I stumbled upon it once more. I don't remember what happened or where I was that triggered it, but I think that as a guess, it was probably my cottage. When I recovered my faith, I had found that my interest in associating it with a religion had disappeared. I was what I was and no brand name was going to change it.

I do not love 'God', but I have respect and I believe that 'God' is there when we need it.

Larry Bagnell = Love

There's just something about Larry Bagnell, Member of Parliament for the Yukon Territory. Even people who normally profess their hatred for the Liberals love Larry. Larry's a cool dude. He has some incredible magic ability to be everywhere all at once, at tons of community events and still be in Ottawa when the House is sitting. He's nice, personable, fun, comes across honest and good-natured and... well, everyone loves Larry.

Last night I went to his annual summer barbecue, which while a grill was grilling skewers, it was more of an Asian thing than burger thing, in that the Filipino community was out cooking and doing sort of generic Asian yummies. It was nice. Oh, and it was free. I was really impressed at the cross-section of people that came out for it, and all the different sorts shaking Larry's hand. Good times.

In other news, this has been a bad week, which I'm not going to talk about right now. Instead, I present you with a two-nosed dog !!

No pressure

It's kind of nice to be posting to my weblog without pressure. I really did enjoy the Blogathon and I hope to do it again next year. I almost made 400 bucks this year for the Humane Society of Canada, which is great, but I hope next year to do better. Maybe a different charity, too. I really would have liked to do it for the local shelter, but they have no online donation form, so that made it impossible according to the rules of Blogathon. Oh well.

We were interviewing today for the Internship position with the Gallery. We had thought (hoped?) that we'd have had a clear leader in the candidates, but following the interviews, we were kind of hard-pressed to decide. This is why we ask for references, I guess. Anyway, all the shortlisted candidates really have something going for them.

Anyway, I don't actually have a lot to say, but I thought I'd better post an entry or I might lose interest again, and I really don't want that to happen. I've been writing in the blog since October 2001. It seems so long ago; certainly it is a lifetime ago, based on where I was then, and what I was doing at the time.

So, what was I doing? I was attending Seneca's digital media school doing computer animation. I had hopes of a career in video games or film. I'm still in touch with one of the students, Brian, and he managed to score the job, working at Bioware. I was not, however, living at home and rent-free so I couldn't devote all my time to creating mods with him. I had to work and an apartment to pay for.

Today, after work, I went shopping and found wild pink salmon on the store shelves. Once in a while, living in Whitehorse has its perks. I barbecued the little pink steaks, made a white/wild rice base and salad and finished it all up with a fresh fruit salad that included the strawberries I'm growing on my porch. Yummy. And, sure, rent is still a struggle, but a lot less of one, and I own a new car and pay my bills myself, mostly without the help of my mother. Ya, I guess I've come a ways since 2001.