Last night, Rick and I went to a Saturnalia hosted by my friend, Cara and her roommate. It was enjoyable enough, sans kink. Had we wanted to, we could have joined in the playing on the second floor, but when it comes down to it, sex with people that aren't us doesn't really blow up our skirts. Anyway, there was enjoyable conversation all around and the food was GREAT. Rick and I brought our veggies, pita, and various dips/spreads, which went over well as there was a general lack of vegetable matter. I'm afraid I ate a few too many brandy beans, but I stayed sober. I decided not to drink because of the emotional business with Scott. I didn't need the added pain of alcohol-induced depression.

Scott's on my mind constantly. I keep thinking about him and how good a person he was. What a devoted husband and father; I think about Megan's heartbreaking loss. It's so sad. I find tears coming to my eyes at random, unexpected moments, and my heart constricts. Life isn't fair. I can't help thinking that the Powers that Be simply made a mistake, or that Someone somewhere lost a game of dice.

There's been a lot of loss in my life, but this is the first time I've lost a friend. Yes, there was a friend in highschool who killed herself, but we'd grown apart and it didn't feel as close as this. And, her death wasn't really a great surprise, as sad to say as that is. Scott was stolen from a huge array of loved ones, yanked from a happy life that had not been easy for him. He was gentle and good and people took him for granted and treated him with less respect than he deserved. Though we lived far apart, he was a close peer and good friend.

As time passes, I know that his death will affect me less, but when I miss him, the feeling will be keen and deep. Life will go on for me, for his family, for his friends. But there will forever be someone missing.

Scott "Grishnakh" Wiggins
1974 - 2004
Sleep well.