Faith

I am writing this post as a personal response to an article in the LA Times, written by the paper's former religion columnist. It's a very moving piece of writing about a spiritual journey that took him in a direction he'd never expected: the loss of faith.

I have faith. In some ways it is deeply at odds with the rest of me, my doubt and skepticism, more than anything. I used to call it spirituality, what I possess, but let's be honest. It's faith. What I do not have, nor do I want, is religion. I consider myself, if pressed, a Judeo-Christian-Paganist. Haha. My little joke. I'm culturally closer to my Ashkenazim roots than anything else, but I'm no practicing Jew. I try to observe the High Holidays, not because I think it's my duty, but because I like to feel closer to my cultural roots. I don't beat myself up if I miss one. I also really enjoy Christmas. Not because it's the birth of Jesus, but because it's a beautiful and ancient holiday borrowed from several pagan traditions that predate any idea of "religion" common to the Western world. Even current polytheist religions don't quite compare.

My faith isn't tested by my belief in science, far from it, in fact. No, I look at the awesomeness of the universe, from the Big Bang to evolution to plate tectonics as facets of an incredible creation. Not Creation, as in the Bible, but I believe that something started it all off and put the ball in motion. Like I said, it's not spirituality, but faith. I choose to believe this.

Sometimes, I forget that I believe in the existence of something bigger than all of this. 'God' is a funny word. It doesn't seem quite right to me, mainly because I can't help envisioning a bearded white guy in the sky. I do not believe in that god. I don't want to say 'force' because this isn't Star Wars, but I prefer to think of 'God' as a something, intangible and invisible, but able to take the forms that people need in order to feel connected. Today, God is this rock. Tomorrow, perhaps God is you.

When I plead with 'God', I look up. This is not because I believe it is up above, but because, I think, by craning our necks backward, we are making ourselves vulnerable and in pleading to 'God', we are undoubtedly feeling vulnerable. I thought about this the other day as I wept in the shower. I felt, at that moment, as though my whole world had fallen in on me, Gareth had told me he needed a break. My plea was not to make him change his mind, but to give me strength to bear it, to be okay, because I believe that things happen for a reason, even though we rarely can see the why of it at the time it's happening.

No, I don't believe that 'God' actively intercedes in our lives, not really. I think it's more that 'God' has an unlimited energy or strength that when we are in need, and open to it, we can share. Does that sound strange? I am okay, and whatever the outcome is, I have to trust that it will work out. That's faith, not spirituality. But it's not religion. I do not need people to interpret for 'God'. People just screw it up. People get in the way. People have ulterior motives.

Among my friends I have counted Jews, Christians of many sects and stripes, Wiccans and Pagans, Hindus, Baha'i, Muslims, Buddhists, Atheists and agnostics. These people have been of various colours, creeds and sexual orientations. I tell none of them that by believing what they believe they are wrong, because they're not. I find no issue if they associate themselves with a particular religion or are lapsed, for our actions speak clearly about us as human beings, and there have been some awful people who did what they did under the mantle of religion.

When I was a teenager, I thought I would make it official. I had plans to study my Torah and have my bat mitzvah once I'd turned 18. I'd chosen not to when I was a child because I did not feel, coming from a multi-faith home, that I was ready to make such an important decision. Smart kid. Through my teens, I successively lost five relatives over the course of three years, not all close, but starting with my beloved Nana, and ending with my father. That final loss, when I was 18, threw my religious plans in a tailspin. I lost my faith, or so I believed. I was angry.

I hadn't lost it, it turned out, I simply put it somewhere safe and then forgot where I'd hidden it. It was two years later, maybe three, when I stumbled upon it once more. I don't remember what happened or where I was that triggered it, but I think that as a guess, it was probably my cottage. When I recovered my faith, I had found that my interest in associating it with a religion had disappeared. I was what I was and no brand name was going to change it.

I do not love 'God', but I have respect and I believe that 'God' is there when we need it.