First of all, I had three days of migraine headache. I ended up calling out on Thursday and sleeping through most of the day. I think part of the reason (other than it being that time of the month) has been due to stress. Stress at work - being busy with little time to recouperate, financial stress regarding loans/lines of credit for the vehicle, etc. It's a catch 22 you see. If I don't get a vehicle, I can save some money, but if I don't have one, I feel extremely isolated. If I get one, I will alleviate some of my 'trapped' feeling, but I'll put myself into debt, nevermind not being able to save money. The thing is, I've been really unhappy this week, and part of the reason is exactly that 'trapped' feeling of isolation. It is bad enough that there is no other city to go to, nothing within a few hours drive, or that to get most places it takes at least one plane, usually two.

I realised that I hate the feeling of being penned in, of enforced isolation. I hate making more money than ever before and finding myself just as caught by prices and expenses as when I was poor. I hate that when my mother says, "But how will you save money?" my answer is, "I won't." I hate that to make myself feel better, I buy things, which, of course, uses money. I hate that the people of this city, in many ways, do nothing to alleviate the sensation of entrapment, too. I told Rick that I 'hate it here', which may not be true, because I really don't think I do, but I hate a lot of things about it. Of course, I like things, too.

For instance, I like that I was able to go for a walk and sit on a rock overlooking the greenspace behind my apartment and think about things. I sat, in the sun, surrounded by golden trees, undisturbed for half an hour. That is when I came to the realisation that I really dislike it here. Not 'here' specifically, but because of all those things I mentioned, I really have strong negative feelings. But I also realised, while sitting on the rock, that I can change how I feel about this place. I have the power to control what I take from the experience. My second cousin taught English in Japan for two years and could only think about the differences between here and there and it made her dislike the experience intensely. I don't want to be like her. I want to come out of this Whitehorse experience feeling better for it, like it wasn't a waste, or hateful.

So I got to thinking about what I need to do in order to change how I feel. There's no question, I have to have a vehicle. Preferably while it's still nice so I can... you know, go places, but that's probably a pipe dream (I won't have the money until October, at which point it will no longer be nice). I need to accept that I will live with debt for a while. I think it will be impossible for me to save money here. I must concentrate my efforts to do the best job I can do here at the Arts Centre, get the experience I need, work my buns off for my Masters, and then, perhaps, if I'm one of the very lucky, I'll eventually make enough money (doing what I love? Is that even possible?) to climb out of debt. I guess life is full of these challenges and choices, so I need to make mine as carefully as possible to get the things I need and hopefully some of what I want, too. I mean, this time last year I had just arrived in Winnipeg and being in the position I am now in was not even imagined.

Oh, life. Better than the alternative.