I saw, yesterday, that Hasbro has brought back My Little Pony. I was excited, at first, as these were my favourite toys throughout my childhood, until I took a closer look at them. In general, they remain fairly true to the original, except they've made their eyes bigger (and have cheesey heart highlights in them) and they simply look cheap. The seam around the neck where the head attaches to the body looks BAD. And they're made of cheap-looking plastic, too. Yet another reissue from my past that does not stand up to the original. It makes me love my collection all the more and wish I could put it out on display.

These last few days in Peterborough have been nice, but too short. I've been doing a lot of thinking out here. Discussing and re-evaluating my life. I have no focus. I am deeply driven to succeed, I think it's called ambition, but with no real focus for my energy. I waft from one project to the next, always short-term, low commitment. To take risks is necessary and, yet I cannot bring myself to take the ones that might propell me forward. I am selfish. I get by on intelligence and sheer luck and with the help of friends and family, but what can I really say that I've accomplished? I'm twenty-six and utterly lost.

One of the people I love the most has been transplanted out of my life and that is of my own doing. Was it the right decision? I don't know. I desire stability and security, and at the same time avoid these things, calling it independence, but knowing that at least a part of it is fear. The question, 'which risk is the right one to take?' plagues me. Do I leave? Should I go back to school? Wouldn't that just be another way to avoid real life? I don't know, I doubt that I am actually living 'real' life.

Art is central to my existence. I want desperately to be able to exercise my creativity, to live by it, but I have nothing to fall back on should I fail, and so I struggle with part-time jobs to keep myself afloat and maybe to keep myself spread thinly so that I never have to risk failure. I hate failure, and at the same time, rarely have I truly attempted to succeed. How does one break out of this pattern of mediocrity? I need more time to think. At the same time, I need to work so that I can afford to keep living. Is there a balance, or do I just struggle on as I am and hope that something falls out of the luck tree and into my hands?

Where are the answers to my questions? How the Hell do I find them?